The Jimmy Nutrin Ritual
Do you love science? Do you wish to solve the mysteries that have puzzled
science for centuries? Do you want to create shrink rays, time machines, Robotic
door-to-door salesmen and more? There is a way… To summon the spirit Jimmy Nutrin
himself.
You will need
A residence in the sub-urbs (does not have to be yours). A method of
precisely telling the time. A candle. A television. A land-line telephone. A
source of pizza that will keep you supplied for a few days, such as a restaurant
or a stockpile of frozen pizzas. A functioning shotgun with twelve-gauge or
ten-gauge ammunition (pump action combat shotguns have yielded the best
results). A life-size cardboard cutout of Judy Nutrin. A generous amount of
garlic powder.
Preparations
This ritual may be
completed alone or with a few friends. Prior to preforming the ritual, you must
consume only pizza and water for at least thirty-six (36) hours. Your body must
be clear of all other delicious dinner meals in order for the ritual to work. Note
that it does not matter what you top the pizza with, so long as you do not eat
anything that is a separate entity from the pizza except for drinking water.
Have the cutout set up somewhere indoors where you can shoot it without
damaging anything important, such as your shrine to the Ogrelord. On the night
of the ritual, turn off all lights and electronics in the house, but be ready
to use the television and answer the front door. Light the candle. All of this
must be done prior to 4:20 AM.
The ritual
At precisely 4:20 AM, shoot the cutout and say: “Jimmy, your mom is dead.”
Without dialing any number, pick up the phone and ask: “Hello can I get a large
pizza pie for the Nutrin household?” It may seem as though nobody was on the
other line, but trust me – someone heard you. Proceed to blow out the candle
and turn on the T.V. Sit down and watch the T.V. until you hear a knock at the
door. Open the door. A pizza will slowly pass through the doorway and the words
“Heers ya’arr pisseh” will be heard. Be prepared to dodge. The pizza is
aggressive. The pie will then launch itself into the room and attempt to
decapitate whomever it can, bouncing of the walls until it loses momentum and
falls to the floor. You have the option to surround yourself with a ring of garlic
powder, which will do absolutely nothing for you. It is strongly recommended
that you or any companions yell “Oh shit!” right before moving to dodge the
pizza, because should you fail, this will reverse any damage caused once the
ritual is completed. This pizza will be your method of summoning the spirit.
Without moving it, place your hands on the crust and utter the phrase: “Bond
with me, Jimmy.” The spirit of Jimmy Nutrin will rise from the cheese and
watch T.V. with you. From here, you can ask the boy genius any science-related
question and he will give you the correct answer. To close the ritual, say
“Just another day in the life of Jimmy Nutrin” and Jimmy will promptly return
to the Retrorealm. Enjoy your newfound knowledge. If you plan on building a
shrink ray, you’d better use it on your own fat ass after eating all that pizza
AYYYYYYYYYYY